Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Greasing the Skids

It's time I tried my hand at greasing the skids. I'm tired of having old, rusty skids that don't run smoothly. So, you know what I'm going to do?

No, random blog reader, not that. Frankly, I'm a little disgusted and disturbed that you would bring that up.

What do you mean you know I tried it? Who have you been talking to? Have you been going through my trash? Whatever you found, it wasn't mine. I get all kinds of mail from the previous resident of my house. I would try to forward the new mail to him, but he's dead. It's not a crime to open a dead man's mail, is it?

Oh, it is. Well, it wasn't me that opened it, anyway. I was going to write "recipient deceased" on the mail and send it back, but my kids got into it before I could do that. And, being illiterate children, they opened it. I don't think you can prosecute a 2 year old for opening a dead man's mail, can you? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Back to who you've been talking to - very clever trying to change the subject to me opening mail illegally, you almost had me. But I've got a mind like a steel trap. Who have you been talking to again? Oh, her. Yeah, well, you see I only tried it that once and I didn't enjoy it at all. And, uh, it was an accident, really. I was just going along, trying to figure out if you could play tennis with a racquetball, when...

What's that you say? You talked to her in a bar? Well, obviously she was drunk. You can't trust the drunken ramblings of a drunk woman, now can you? Surely not. Especially when I have it on good authority that she is a conniving drunk. Plus, I hear she likes the hard stuff, which, you know, gets you drunk a lot faster. At least, that is what I was told in DARE in junior high. I've personally never even been tipsy - it's not the ninja way.

I don't care if she was the designated driver - even the smell of liquor is enough for some. Oh, you were in a piano bar. Well, that makes it even worse, because music is intoxicating on its own. Piano rock is the new crack cocaine. I think I read that in Rolling Stones magazine. Don't bother looking that up, my mind is like a steel trap. So, clearly, you can't trust some fluzy you met in a piano bar who is smoking crack, now can you?

What's that you say? She's your sister? *Wheeze* Uh, who is this girl again? Yeah, now that you mention it, I'm not sure I know who that is. I meet so many people, you know, being as extroverted as I am. I just don't remember if I ever knew her or not, you know, it's been so long...

Well, sure, I said my mind is like a steel trap, but that's just a saying, it doesn't mean anything. Sorta like "a stitch in time saves nine" or "talk is cheap" or "blow chunks" or "greasing the skids". It doesn't really mean anything, its just something you say to keep the conversation going.

Now, where was I again?

9 comments:

lorri said...

so happy to see you posted until i realized i had no idea what is going on. my mind is clearly not like a steel trap.... have things quieted down for you?

lorri said...

i'm confused, why does it do two? how do you delete one of them?

Jessica said...

this post indeed confirms just how special you are...

Benjamin said...

Awww, how sweet. You think I'm special.

Alethia - I don't know why you got a double post. I clean up the second one, so not to worry.

Thinks have quieted down a little. They aren't back to normal, but normal enough that I can free mental space for writing a blog post.

How are things with you?

Stacy said...

i've never heard the phrase "greasing the skids" so i don't know what i was supposed to assume you meant by it. but i think you have a.d.d.

lorri said...

stacy, you crack me up. you should send him a bill for your medical opinion.

things are ok for me ben. waiting game right now. she has that MRI, we were talking about, tomorrow and then more waiting for results.

Benjamin said...

Sigh - great art is always misunderstood.

Melissa said...

Jessica - is that "special" or just plain special?

Stacy - I think greasing the skids means getting someone or something ready for something bigger.

All - I think that Ben has temporary lost his mind. Hopefully it will return with some rest. (luvya anyway, Ben)

Jessica said...

oh it's "special" in every sense of the word. but, ben, do not misunderstand...my label of "special" does not deny that this is, indeed, a great piece of art. only you, my friend, could be its creator!